You Made Me Ink!

Several years ago, following the success of Finding Nemo, Disney added a new attraction to their California Adventure theme park: Turtle Talk With Crush. Crush was the uber righteous surfer bro turtle who assisted Marlin and Dory on their quest to find young, rebellious Nemo. See kids, look what could happen if you touch the butt. In this interactive experience, an animated Crush appears in an “aquarium” and speaks with the audience… Here begins my true story…

It was the summer of 2008 – Finding Nemo was a fam fave, so we naturally had to check out the Disney magic inside Turtle Talk on our annual Disneyland trip. Before the show, I noticed a “cast member” (as they’re called) staring my way. Whatever. People stare sometimes. My parents, little brother, cousins, and I scored seats up towards the front, while a couple dozen little kids sat on the floor in front of us. Directly in front of them, was the gigantic screen – er, tank?

Then, Crush the sea turtle swims out and he’s, like, totally gnarly bra. (Or should I say, turtley gnarly?) He talks about how stoned he got before his morning surf gives a great speech, yada yada. Then, the interactions begin, and he starts calling on audience members. Naturally, he goes for a couple of the little nuggets up front.

Crush the Turtle: “Yo, little dude, what’s yer name, brah?”

Kid: “Ben!”

Crush the Turtle: “No way! Barnacle Ben, sup?! How ’bout you dude?”

Other Kid: “Sam!”

Crush the Turtle: “Stingray Sam! Right on, right on! … Hey, the totally bodacious blonde in the front… what’s yer name?”

… And that’s when I was hit on by an animated sea turtle.

Crush the Turtle: “Allllllll righttttt…. Angelfish Alex…”

Then the turtle made bedroom googley eyes. Honestly, Disney’s magical powers of animation are sincerely impressive, but it only got weirder. For the next 5 minutes, the sea turtle continued to spit mad game – asking me where I was from, if I had any questions for him, where I surfed… All flirty, remaining family friendly, while impatient children and families stared on the jezebel taking their precious turtle time. I couldn’t help but wonder who was behind the curtain. It was one of the oddest yet most awesome experiences of my life.

Finally, Crush moved on and wrapped up the show. Immediately after, as my family and I were looking at a Toy Story animation exhibit, I heard a voice behind me.

Angelfish Alex?

Stop. STAHP. That happened.

It was the cast member from before the show. He was the turtle! Even though the voice didn’t belong to the Disney prince of my dreams, I remain extremely flattered by the entire experience. I always appreciate anyone who is willing to come out of their shell for me. (GET IT, BECAUSE HE’S A TURTLE!???)  My family got a kick out of it and I love any story where I’m the center of attention when they bring it up. So, Crush, wherever you are, I hope you are happy and well.

Basically, what I’m trying to say, is that if an animated movie star sea turtle thinks I’m hot, you should to. (Right, Dave?) Sorry for bragging about being the hottest betch outside the Magic Kingdom.

And we didn’t live happily ever after, but let’s go to Disneyland soon!

Why didn’t Alex accept the sea turltes’ advances? Because she was turtley sea-ing someone else!

Fam & I immediately before things got turtley weird.
Fam & I immediately before things got turtley weird.

TL;DR – One time when I went to Disneyland with my family I got hit on by the animated sea turtle in a Finding Nemo attraction.

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