Howlin’ For You

After months and months of anticipation, I finally got around to seeing Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf Of Wall Street. That was almost 2 weeks ago. I finally received an awards screener from work and I’m not saying that I’ve already watched  it 3 times this week… but that’s exactly what I’m saying. Not even sorry.

I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard in a movie theater. I laughed so hard that I cried. I should have cried because the subject matter was actually terrifying and angering – but it was just too fucking hilarious.

As someone who has a history of attraction to yuppie douchebags and an appreciation for a solid fiesta, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I adore this film. How can anyone not adore it? It’s fucking fun as fuck and uses the word fuck so many fucking times. Stop fucking saying fuck. I fucking can’t. Fuck.

Every time I finish this film, I have an intense desire to speak in a thick New York accent and do a boatload of Quaaludes. Those Lemmon 714’s, knowwhatimsayin? Word 2 ya motha.

Margot Robbie is now everyone’s Woman Crush Wednesday. Because obviously. Look at her. That is a level of unattainable physical perfection that is undoubtedly sparking diets and eating disorders nationwide. I have a sudden urge to buy a juicer and an Equinox membership and $50,000 worth of plastic surgery. Young non-criminal and non-cheating Jordan Belforts of America, call me your duchess, and my heart will be yours.

As far as this Oscar race goes, it’s really a pity this film came out the same time as Dallas Buyers Club. Both films star two brilliant actors. Both are not without heavy drug usage and sex. Both have male leads who are trying to stick it to the man and succeed their own way. There are actually a ton of parallels, which is weird because Wolf is such a good time, and the subject matter of Dallas couldn’t be further from a good time. However, the Oscars aren’t that different from Apples to Apples, and Dallas Buyers Club has one of the winning cards…. AIDS.

The Oscars and Apples to Apples, the only occasions where AIDS and The Holocaust will ever be considered winners.

Although Jonah Hill gave one of the best comedic performances I’ve ever seen, Jared Leto was top-notch. Leto will win. Leto is a prettier girl than I will ever be.

The competition between McConaughey and DiCaprio is fierce. McConaughey will most likely win the award because of his physical transformation as well as his character’s affliction – the Academy loves affliction. However, in my personal opinion, I do think that Leo’s overall performance was better. To me, he really transformed into Jordan Belfort. McConaughey was so excellent, but I just think this year should go to Leo. It won’t, but he’s long overdue. There’s a conspiracy.

Alright, I think it’s time you get the fuck off my boat.

Also, this:

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