Howlin’ For You

After months and months of anticipation, I finally got around to seeing Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf Of Wall Street. That was almost 2 weeks ago. I finally received an awards screener from work and I’m not saying that I’ve already watched  it 3 times this week… but that’s exactly what I’m saying. Not even sorry.

I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard in a movie theater. I laughed so hard that I cried. I should have cried because the subject matter was actually terrifying and angering – but it was just too fucking hilarious.

As someone who has a history of attraction to yuppie douchebags and an appreciation for a solid fiesta, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I adore this film. How can anyone not adore it? It’s fucking fun as fuck and uses the word fuck so many fucking times. Stop fucking saying fuck. I fucking can’t. Fuck.

Every time I finish this film, I have an intense desire to speak in a thick New York accent and do a boatload of Quaaludes. Those Lemmon 714’s, knowwhatimsayin? Word 2 ya motha.

Margot Robbie is now everyone’s Woman Crush Wednesday. Because obviously. Look at her. That is a level of unattainable physical perfection that is undoubtedly sparking diets and eating disorders nationwide. I have a sudden urge to buy a juicer and an Equinox membership and $50,000 worth of plastic surgery. Young non-criminal and non-cheating Jordan Belforts of America, call me your duchess, and my heart will be yours.

As far as this Oscar race goes, it’s really a pity this film came out the same time as Dallas Buyers Club. Both films star two brilliant actors. Both are not without heavy drug usage and sex. Both have male leads who are trying to stick it to the man and succeed their own way. There are actually a ton of parallels, which is weird because Wolf is such a good time, and the subject matter of Dallas couldn’t be further from a good time. However, the Oscars aren’t that different from Apples to Apples, and Dallas Buyers Club has one of the winning cards…. AIDS.

The Oscars and Apples to Apples, the only occasions where AIDS and The Holocaust will ever be considered winners.

Although Jonah Hill gave one of the best comedic performances I’ve ever seen, Jared Leto was top-notch. Leto will win. Leto is a prettier girl than I will ever be.

The competition between McConaughey and DiCaprio is fierce. McConaughey will most likely win the award because of his physical transformation as well as his character’s affliction – the Academy loves affliction. However, in my personal opinion, I do think that Leo’s overall performance was better. To me, he really transformed into Jordan Belfort. McConaughey was so excellent, but I just think this year should go to Leo. It won’t, but he’s long overdue. There’s a conspiracy.

Alright, I think it’s time you get the fuck off my boat.

Also, this:


I’m Being A Forty-Whiner

As a civilian who has never been on a football team, what I’m about to say really has little validity. However, I am still in an emotional state after both of my teams’ losses last night, and I need to get a few things off my chest for my general sanity. I have a lot of mixed feelings and thoughts (like most of social media) regarding what went down on Fox Sports last night, so I’ve tried to assemble them in order:

1. Some background: I was born in San Mateo, California and have been a 49ers fan all my life. Being from San Mateo, I am also a Patriots fan, because the love of my life Tom Brady is also from San Mateo – gotta support the hometown hero. Adding to the peninsula love fest, Julian Edelman is from the nearby town of Woodside. On top of these, my bay area upbringing made me a diehard Stanford fan as well. As far as football goes, those are my guys and my teams.
TL;DR – I am a 49ers, Patriots, and Stanford fan.

2. We (as in the 49ers) blew it at the end of the game. We had time and we blew it on a risky pass. I’m not alone in this opinion because everyone I watched the game with was yelling the exact same thing: “Why!? Why!? We had time!” It was a risk and that’s what happens with risks. That said, it would have been epic if it had worked. We lost to a really great team and we didn’t go down without a fight. Cue depression and anxiety.

3. I’m not exactly a fan of Kaep. He lost me at the bicep kissing thing.

4. I’m a fan of Harbaugh. I love him. I love his tantrums because in slow motion they’re so entertaining. I love what he did for Stanford and did for the Niners, despite the reviews I’ve heard from former players. I also happen to think he is a sexy older man. You’re sexy when you’re angry, Jim. I’ve always been attracted to the not-so-nice guys. Thanks, Han Solo.

5. From the perspective of a viewer without detailed context, I do not think what Richard Sherman said in his immediate post game interview with Erin Andrews was professional or appropriate. Although I appreciate his candid emotion, I was really disappointed to see such a talented and intelligent man focus on (what I felt were) the unimportant things. Again, this is my opinion, but I think a terrific player and public figure like Sherm should have used that air time to thank his fans and his team. Granted, we’re all human, but after such an incredible and intense game like last night’s, and such a devastating loss for my team, his comments felt like a huge slap in the face. For many, it felt personal. That makes sense, right? Just hours before, many of us witnessed an incredibly gracious post-game interview by Peyton Manning – so that really amplified the contrast of Sherman’s words. Yes, he does have the skill and the follow through to back it up, but does that really justify it? And yes, these are grown men and talking shit is “part of the game,” but I don’t think that’s a very good excuse either. (Or mature, for that matter, but who am I to lecture on maturity?)
TL;DR – I felt very strongly that Richard Sherman’s immediate post game comments were unnecessary/unprofessional.

6. I’m ashamed reading some of the statuses on social media from fellow 49er fans and other human beings regarding Richard Sherman. Some of the things I have read were blatantly and disgustingly racist and uninformed – not to mention embarrassing for the 49er fan base as well as non-Seahawks fans. I understand why people are angry because I was angry, but that is NO justification for racism. It’s MLK Jr. weekend, for Christ’s sake! I think everyone needs to take a step back and examine everything on either side. We need to remember that the rivalry between the Seahawks and Niners runs a lot deeper than most of the public comprehends. Richard Sherman is one of the smartest, most talented, and most passionate players in the NFL and his story is extremely compelling. Just because many of us don’t agree with a lot of his comments on or off the field, doesn’t mean it’s okay to take insults to the next level. It’s so hypocritical for people to call him a “classless thug” (or more/worse, in many cases) when most of the comments I’ve seen don’t carry much class themselves. We are better than that. We can and should be better than that. Step it up, humanity.
TL;DR – Stop being racist, racists.

7. Seahawks fans were throwing popcorn at the seriously injured 49er NaVorro Bowman as he was being carted off the field. Are you kidding me? Dafuq is wrong with you people?  ಠ_ಠ

8. Today, Sherman wrote an article regarding his controversial comments and I think everyone should read it, as well as the comments made by his former Stanford teammate Michael Thomas – going back to what I said about this rivalry running deep. After hearing a lot of things from friends who were close to Sherman at Stanford and played with him there, it’s really obvious that there’s a lot more to the story. There usually is. Assuming that what he’s said about the incidents with Crabtree are true (and I have no reason to believe otherwise) then Sherman has every right to be upset. I’d be royally pissed if someone did that to me. Do I think that justifies his post-game comments? Still, no. Do I understand why he said them? Absolutely. We need to remember that nobody, including our team, is flawless. These are just other human beings that everyone is constantly worshipping. They do dirty things sometimes. They also do great things for their communities sometimes too.
TL;DR – There’s more to the story and athletes are only human.

9. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy. She doesn’t even go here play football!

Okay, it felt really good to get that out. A lot of people have extreme opinions regarding this incident, so let’s just take a breather and stop choosing sides for a minute. Let’s remember that it’s all about perspective. Try to put the shoe on the other foot before you make any rash judgements.

10. I am now over this topic – let’s start talking about how Adam gave Hannah his tooth for her birthday on last night’s episode of GIRLS. What the fuck, you guys.

I’ll Take My New Year’s Toast With A Side Of Bacon

Happy New Year!

May our bank accounts, our beds, our hearts, and our glasses be full! And not our uteruses!

I stopped writing for a while because I was complaining too much. Mostly, I write when I’m upset. Punching those letters on the keyboard is just a great outlet. I can’t explain it, but I’m sure there are people out there who get what I’m saying. Even though I’m often bitching about something – whether it’s published for the world to see or still hiding in my drafts – I guess it’s more productive than other alternatives.

2013 is over. Good riddance. Seriously. Bye Felicia.

On a global scale, I had a pretty blessed year. #blessed *cue dry heave* I have a full time job, a roof over my head, some wonderful friends, and I get to live in one of the most exciting cities in the world. However, everyone has their struggles. To get all dramatic on ya: this year, I was tested – deeply and personally – through numerous circumstances. I don’t need to get into details, because it’s none a ya damn business but I’m pretty proud and grateful to be here and be writing this and be relatively okay with my life. When you like macaroni and pizza as much as I do, it’s hard not to get cheesy.

Maybe it’s silly to think that just because the clock strikes midnight, that new day should mean something different than any other day. What changes exactly? I mean, nothing, obviously – but you don’t have to be an asshole about it. The New Year’s symbolism for new beginnings and resolutions is just something I’m really on board with. It’s like magic. And what muggle freak doesn’t like magic? I’ve been pretty desperate for a few hard restarts. I’ve been malfunctioning.

** Turn back now if you have a sensitive gag reflex ** In 2014, I am going to be a more positive person. During life’s inevitable challenges, I am going to remember that there is something to learn from every experience. I am the only person with the power to control my happiness and my worth. I am going to think before I speak, which I know is going to be a lot harder for me than it sounds. I am going to be good to myself – no more negative thoughts, no more insecurities. I will be confident, but not arrogant. I will be kind, but not weak. I will be resilient, and not bitter. I will do my best to accept love and I won’t let past experiences hinder me from giving it. And also I’m gonna be more organized and work out more because I need to get my bod right for Coachella. 

2014 is going to be a good year. Bring the fire.

Living Fearlessly & Loving Recklessly, 


Enjoy one of my all time favorite scenes in cinematic history.

For Auld Lang Syne. And for science!