ABC’s The Bachelorette starts a new season on Monday and, as usual, I’m embarrassingly excited. Despite my general intolerance for reality television, The Bachelor and its female counterpart are shows I have been watching since the 8th grade. It would feel wrong to stop after 10 years of dedication to Chris Harrison. These days, it is almost becoming more relative to my life due to the fact that I’m now the same age as many of the women appearing on the show – a friend of mine from high school even appeared on Sean’s season. Like I said before, reality TV isn’t my cup of tea, but why can’t I stop watching this show? Is it because I like to judge everyone who thinks they’re going to meet their soulmate? Is it because I enjoy seeing adults cry on live television? Is it because I need to see other people with more embarrassing heartbreaks than my own? Is it because I still believe in love!??? At the end of the day, I feel like I need to give some sort of snaps to anyone with enough balls to go on this show. I could never. I don’t like to share my toys.
I can promise you that I will spend the entire season harshly judging each contestant, as well as each decision Desiree makes because I am
a completely superficial and selfish and horrible person only human. Let’s judge some books by their covers, shall we?
Before every season airs, ABC posts mini-bio’s and head shots of each
desperate bachelor/ette. I will admit, I think it’s challenging to evaluate each candidate based solely on one photo and some brief stats. When it comes down to it, you can’t photoshop personality. (But you can edit it, right ABC? *wink wink*)
Meet The Bachelors I had any kind of opinion on:
Ben: Getting rejected by a girl in the 7th grade is your most embarrassing moment? That’s the most average and boring thing I’ve ever heard therefore I have to wonder if your real most embarrassing moment is something so perverse and disturbing that ABC could not morally post it on their website. Suddenly I’m intrigued.
Brad: I wish the fact that your career says “Accountant/DJ” could tell me everything I need to know about you, but part of me wants to believe you’re attempting to troll the nation.
Brooks: Looks like a dirty pirate Jon Krasinski. I’m ashamed to admit I’m attracted to it.
Bryden: “His bangs look like the prostitute’s in American Psycho.” – my coworker Kelly… But hey, the man’s an American hero. ‘Murca.
Chris: Hoping to get some quality poetry out of Bob Saget over here.
Diogo: Looks like a Brazilian vampire. Has “blessed” tattooed on his left bicep. #blessed #no
James: Looks like he belongs on Days Of Our Lives… OMG Dr. Drake Ramoray!?
Jonathan: Forget about Des. Nice to meet you. Come date me. Hi.
Juan Pablo: His reply when asked his favorite books: “Don’t read.” Now, JP, are you trying to tell us not to read or do you not read by choice or do you not know how? Not even Harry Potter? Dr. Seuss? This reminds me of that John Waters quote that says “if you go home with somebody and they don’t have books don’t
fuck them give them a rose.”
Michael G: Wants to be married with 2 kids and another on the way… in 5 years. 5 years. The babe’s not fuckin’ around.
Mikey T: Things didn’t work out with Sammie Sweetheart? Don’t fall in love at the
Jersey Shore Los Angeles Bachelor Mansion.
Robert: One way ticket to the friend zone.
Will: Because diversity.
Okay, after attempting to put myself in the shoes of these poor schmucks, I feel a little guilty about publicly critiquing Desiree’s potential flames. Like, who am I to do that? I’m another obnoxious person behind a computer screen. I get it. As of right now, they’re probably all very nice young
puppets men… until they become fame hungry and ABC edits them into villains and crybabies and douchebags. (Or they can still be terrific human beings and friends like you, Daniella! Don’t hate me for writing about The Bach!) Hey, there’s no denying that reality television has its side effects and the exposure can easily go to anyone’s head. As of now, all of these fellas have a clean slate and I can’t wait to see who Des ends up with.
Hunger Games Bachelorette begin! May the odds roses be ever in your favor!