Dolly Parton once said “Don’t judge me by the cover ’cause I’m a real good book” – and that definitely applies to last night’s season premiere of The Bachelorette. Why? Well because I judged a few books by their covers and I was terribly, horribly wrong. My initial intentions were never to recap each episode of ABC’s famous dating show, but after last night’s charades, I feel like I really owe it to the world to bestow my superficial and worthless opinions.
Let’s start with Jonathan aka Mr.
Date Rape Fantasy Suite. Perfect example. When I first saw his picture and that jaw line, I was sure he would go far in the game. He was handsome, a lawyer, had good answers, and seemed like an overall nice guy. Well, looks can be deceiving. At the very beginning when he handed Des that envelope, he had so much promise. The letter started out rather adorable (“if you choose to forgo the other 24 bachelors”)… until he implied they were headed to the fantasy suite upon their very first meeting. And we all know what happens in The Fantasy Suite. Now, I think I’ve got a pretty liberal sense of humor and open mind, but was he hit on the head as a child? Did he not run this letter/idea/joke past any of his girl friends or female relatives? An opener like that could have worked in a bar, but not on a national television show where crazies people are trying to find their soulmate in a matter of weeks. I think the first fantasy suite suggestion could have been overlooked as a bad pickup line had he later dropped it and apologized, but his persistence resembled a desperate, drunken college boy in a frat house. I think I’m mostly upset about this because Jonathan was my personal favorite after seeing the bios and now this just resembles my dating life. Ugh. Bummer City. (But let’s be real, I’d probably still right swipe him on Tinder.)
Other surprises/noteworthy moments:
– Ben and his little nugget Brody. Almost cried. Heart = melted. Using your kid’s adorableness that early on? I’ll allow it.
– Dear Kasey, #SHUTUP
– “Let’s talk about the dip.”
– Pretty sure the ER doc was on his own prescriptions. (#xanax right, Kasey?)
– Pretty sure Drew likes men.
– Robert sort of looks like Liam Hemsworth and I didn’t not just become Facebook friends with him. I mean, what?
– Despite Bryden’s bangs resembling the hooker’s bangs in American Psycho, I really like him. Just fix that flow, bro!
– Juan Pablo, the Argentinian Pokemon. “Juan Pablo! Juan Pablo! Juan Pablooo.”
– Michael G is adorable.
– Mikey T has upgraded from Jersey Shore to The Sopranos. Fuggedaboudit.
– Zak W’s spray tan and excessive nudity.
– Looks like
Dr. Drake Ramoray James may be vying to be the next Bachelor… but hasn’t that been attempted already?
– “I’m not just a magician!”
I think the front runners are Brooks and Drew, based entirely on all of their preview screen time. The previews for the rest of the season make me incredibly excited, considering how lackluster the premiere was. So much drama… So many punches… SO. MANY. MAN. TEARS… Can’t wait!