Every Rose Has Its Thorn (Part II)

Dolly Parton once said “Don’t judge me by the cover ’cause I’m a real good book” – and that definitely applies to last night’s season premiere of The Bachelorette. Why? Well because I judged a few books by their covers and I was terribly, horribly wrong. My initial intentions were never to recap each episode of ABC’s famous dating show, but after last night’s charades, I feel like I really owe it to the world to bestow my superficial and worthless opinions.

The Books.

Let’s start with Jonathan aka Mr. Date Rape Fantasy Suite. Perfect example. When I first saw his picture and that jaw line, I was sure he would go far in the game. He was handsome, a lawyer, had good answers, and seemed like an overall nice guy. Well, looks can be deceiving. At the very beginning when he handed Des that envelope, he had so much promise. The letter started out rather adorable (“if you choose to forgo the other 24 bachelors”)… until he implied they were headed to the fantasy suite upon their very first meeting. And we all know what happens in The Fantasy Suite. Now, I think I’ve got a pretty liberal sense of humor and open mind, but was he hit on the head as a child? Did he not run this letter/idea/joke past any of his girl friends or female relatives? An opener like that could have worked in a bar, but not on a national television show where crazies people are trying to find their soulmate in a matter of weeks. I think the first fantasy suite suggestion could have been overlooked as a bad pickup line had he later dropped it and apologized, but his persistence resembled a desperate, drunken college boy in a frat house. I think I’m mostly upset about this because Jonathan was my personal favorite after seeing the bios and now this just resembles my dating life. Ugh. Bummer City. (But let’s be real, I’d probably still right swipe him on Tinder.)

Mr. Fantasy Suite
Why did the raisin go to jail? … Date rape.

Other surprises/noteworthy moments:
– Ben and his little nugget Brody. Almost cried. Heart = melted. Using your kid’s adorableness that early on? I’ll allow it.
– Dear Kasey, #SHUTUP
“Let’s talk about the dip.”
– Pretty sure the ER doc was on his own prescriptions. (#xanax right, Kasey?)
– Pretty sure Drew likes men.
– Robert sort of looks like Liam Hemsworth and I didn’t not just become Facebook friends with him. I mean, what?
– Despite Bryden’s bangs resembling the hooker’s bangs in American Psycho, I really like him. Just fix that flow, bro!
– Juan Pablo, the Argentinian Pokemon. “Juan Pablo! Juan Pablo! Juan Pablooo.”
– Michael G is adorable.
– Mikey T has upgraded from Jersey Shore to The Sopranos. Fuggedaboudit.
– Zak W’s spray tan and excessive nudity.
– Looks like Dr. Drake Ramoray James may be vying to be the next Bachelor… but hasn’t that been attempted already?
“I’m not just a magician!”

I think the front runners are Brooks and Drew, based entirely on all of their preview screen time. The previews for the rest of the season make me incredibly excited, considering how lackluster the premiere was. So much drama… So many punches… SO. MANY. MAN. TEARS… Can’t wait!

Ready for man tears!

Click here for my preseason judgements opinions

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Try to forget my brother is a nutjob.
Try to forget my brother is a nutjob.

ABC’s The Bachelorette starts a new season on Monday and, as usual, I’m embarrassingly excited. Despite my general intolerance for reality television, The Bachelor and its female counterpart are shows I have been watching since the 8th grade. It would feel wrong to stop after 10 years of dedication to Chris Harrison. These days, it is almost becoming more relative to my life due to the fact that I’m now the same age as many of the women appearing on the show – a friend of mine from high school even appeared on Sean’s season. Like I said before, reality TV isn’t my cup of tea, but why can’t I stop watching this show? Is it because I like to judge everyone who thinks they’re going to meet their soulmate? Is it because I enjoy seeing adults cry on live television? Is it because I need to see other people with more embarrassing heartbreaks than my own? Is it because I still believe in love!??? At the end of the day, I feel like I need to give some sort of snaps to anyone with enough balls to go on this show. I could never. I don’t like to share my toys.

The Bachelorette: the only time you can date 25 men at once and not be called a slut.
The Bachelorette: the only time you can date 25 men at once and not be called a slut.

I can promise you that I will spend the entire season harshly judging each contestant, as well as each decision Desiree makes because I am a completely superficial and selfish and horrible person only human. Let’s judge some books by their covers, shall we?

Before every season airs, ABC posts mini-bio’s and head shots of each desperate bachelor/ette. I will admit, I think it’s challenging to evaluate each candidate based solely on one photo and some brief stats. When it comes down to it, you can’t photoshop personality. (But you can edit it, right ABC? *wink wink*)

Meet The Bachelors I had any kind of opinion on:

Ben. Entrepreneur. Texas.
Ben. Entrepreneur. Texas.

Ben: Getting rejected by a girl in the 7th grade is your most embarrassing moment? That’s the most average and boring thing I’ve ever heard therefore I have to wonder if your real most embarrassing moment is something so perverse and disturbing that ABC could not morally post it on their website. Suddenly I’m intrigued.

Brad. Accountant/DJ. Denver.
Brad. Accountant/DJ. Denver.

Brad: I wish the fact that your career says “Accountant/DJ” could tell me everything I need to know about you, but part of me wants to believe you’re attempting to troll the nation.

Brooks. Sales & Marketing. Salt Lake City.
Brooks. Sales & Marketing. Salt Lake City.

Brooks: Looks like a dirty pirate Jon Krasinski. I’m ashamed to admit I’m attracted to it.

Bryden. Veteran. Montana.
Bryden. Veteran. Montana.

Bryden: “His bangs look like the prostitute’s in American Psycho.” – my coworker Kelly… But hey, the man’s an American hero. ‘Murca.

Chris. Mortgage Broker. Oregon.
Chris. Mortgage Broker. Oregon.

Chris: Hoping to get some quality poetry out of Bob Saget over here.

Diogo. Marketing Manager. Brazil.
Diogo. Marketing Manager. Brazil.

Diogo: Looks like a Brazilian vampire. Has “blessed” tattooed on his left bicep. #blessed #no

James. Sales. Georgia.
James. Sales. Georgia.

James: Looks like he belongs on Days Of Our LivesOMG Dr. Drake Ramoray!?

Jonathan. Attorney. North Carolina.
Jonathan. Attorney. North Carolina.

Jonathan: Forget about Des. Nice to meet you. Come date me. Hi.

Juan Pablo. Former Pro Soccer Player. Venezuela.
Juan Pablo. Former Pro Soccer Player. Venezuela.

Juan Pablo: His reply when asked his favorite books: “Don’t read.” Now, JP, are you trying to tell us not to read or do you not read by choice or do you not know how? Not even Harry Potter? Dr. Seuss? This reminds me of that John Waters quote that says “if you go home with somebody and they don’t have books don’t fuck them give them a rose.”

Michael G. Federal Prosecutor. New York.
Michael G. Federal Prosecutor. New York.

Michael G: Wants to be married with 2 kids and another on the way… in 5 years. 5 years. The babe’s not fuckin’ around.

Mike R. Dental Student/Model. London.
Mike R. Dental Student/Model. London.

Mike R: So glad it is Dental Student/Model and not the other way around. “You can see his work on the cover of Serial Killers Weekly.” – The Betches

Mikey T. Plumbing Contractor. Illinois.
Mikey T. Plumbing Contractor. Illinois.

Mikey T: Things didn’t work out with Sammie Sweetheart? Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore Los Angeles Bachelor Mansion.

Nick R. Magician. Connecticut.
Nick R. Magician. Connecticut.

Nick R: A magician. GOB over here says he’s a magician. At least he didn’t say he was an illusionist. I wonder if he’ll say “I’ve made a huge mistake” when he doesn’t get a rose.

Robert. Advertising. Arizona.
Robert. Advertising. Arizona.

Robert: One way ticket to the friend zone.

Will. Banker. Washington.
Will. Banker. Washington.

Will: Because diversity.

Always a mannequin?
Always a mannequin?

Okay, after attempting to put myself in the shoes of these poor schmucks, I feel a little guilty about publicly critiquing Desiree’s potential flames. Like, who am I to do that? I’m another obnoxious person behind a computer screen. I get it. As of right now, they’re probably all very nice young puppets men… until they become fame hungry and ABC edits them into villains and crybabies and douchebags. (Or they can still be terrific human beings and friends like you, Daniella! Don’t hate me for writing about The Bach!) Hey, there’s no denying that reality television has its side effects and the exposure can easily go to anyone’s head. As of now, all of these fellas have a clean slate and I can’t wait to see who Des ends up with.

Let The Hunger Games Bachelorette begin! May the odds roses be ever in your favor!

Episode 1