I was fashionably late. My b. Following a long battle with peer pressure and superficial insecurities, I caved. Friday, at approximately 3pm PST, I downloaded Tinder. Within 30 minutes, the only thought running through my head was “I immediately regret this decision.” Perfect tagline right? I’m hooked. Kill me. Push me off a cliff. So many red x’s. So many NOPEs. Yet, a surprising amount of quality matches. Am I really that hot?
Obviously Pause while I brush my shoulders off. It’s easier than a fat girl at a frat party.
In my original post regarding Tinder, I had a few questions I am now able to answer:
Do I really need to be part of something that’s basis is as superficial as it gets? No, I don’t. But I am now and I can’t just delete it because it’s addicting and honestly some of my matches might kill themselves because they’re already, like, so in love with me. I mean, who can blame them?
Would I feel any greater amount of power being able to say yes or no to someone on an app when in reality we all do that everyday? Yes. An absurd amount of power considering I’m on a fucking iPhone app swiping in one direction or another. I feel like The Bachelorette. No rose for you, no rose for you, no rose for you – but you’re a smokeshow who doesn’t look like he’d stab me in my sleep so you get a rose! And the rejection abilities don’t stop there. I’m completely abusing every bit of power this app is giving me. Can I behave this way in real life?
How much would I screw around with people, as so many of my friends claim to do? Often, because I don’t know how to respond to my matches using anything but emoticons. Social skillz.
What happens if nobody swipes right and I’m a loser forever!? LOL. I made a funny.
– Some people actually take it seriously. Oops.
– Reason #1 why height needs to be listed: What happens if I find Tinder love and he turns out to be 5’2″? I can’t.
– Reason #2 why height needs to be listed: I don’t think these guys realize what an Amazon woman I am in real life. Joke’s on you, bros!
– What’s up with the 12 year olds trying to pass as 18 year olds and the 50 year olds trying to pass as 28 year olds?
– 10 miles is a pretty vast radius. How much creepier could it get if they brought it down to 5 miles? Or 1? 1 mile radius. I dare you, Tinder.
– I don’t understand some of these photo choices.
– I might already have a stalker, but as long as he brings me Sprinkles cupcakes and flowers and doesn’t murder me, I think I’m okay with it.
– I liked a 21 year old and we matched (because duh) and I’m not even sorry.
– My roommate suggested we connect it to Apple TV. Tinder parties á la Animal House, anyone?
– How dense do you have to be to not notice how hard you’re getting trolled after several hours? Like, learn to use the internet, hello.
– Some people get frustrated when you only reply to them using emojis.
– Some people will not leave you alone even if you bring up pooping and alien abductions.
– Don’t give out your phone number.
– Everyone is a creep. Including you. Including me.
– Wait, can I get some free meals out of this? Okay, okay, I’m on board.
douchebags people still do the backwards peace sign post-2007.
– Too many guys named “Matt” and “Rob” and “Ben” and, surprisingly, “Cheyne.” Seriously, you couldn’t just name your kid “Shane?”
– Hold up, is this Model Mayhem?
– This is a joke.
– I’m a joke.
– Don’t Tinder while drunk. Or do, if you really want to get into trouble.
– Don’t let your friends Tinder for you. Or do, if you really want to get into trouble.
– Don’t accidentally right swipe your friend’s ex. Or do, if you really want to get into trouble.
– Don’t accidentally right swipe your ex. Or do, if you really want to get into trouble.
– How many of you knuckleheads met Adam DeVine? Fa real tho. #letsgetweird
– If your main photo is you in a Lambo or next to a private jet, that means it’s okay to ask you for money right?
– Seriously, will you give me money? I’m poor.
– Sometimes it gets uncomfortable if you see Tinder people out in public and then you have to pretend you didn’t continuously send them the poopy face emoji followed by a series of syringes and knives.
– No I won’t add you on Facebook. If you’re really hot I’ll think about it though.
– I think I may be a sociopath.
G2g I got a new Tinder match! Omgz swipe right lolz kill me xxoxo 😉