It was late on the night of November 29 when an old friend decided to read through my blog. Although he commended my writing and its entertainment value (snaps for meee), he noted one thing it was lacking: vulnerability. “Well, duh,” I thought to myself. This isn’t Myspace or LiveJournal or Xanga (throwback!) where over-emotional teenage girls spill their innermost heartfelt secrets to the entire internet. Furthermore, who would want to read such word vomit? And from me? I suppose I’ve developed a small amount of humility over the years, because I never asked myself those questions in high school. Yet, here I am, about to write it all down again like I’m mothafuckin’ Aristotle. When will I learn? My b!
I advise you to turn back now or smoke some pot and keep reading.
To answer my own questions, I suppose he wants to read that sort of thing. (My friend who I mentioned before, in case you weren’t paying attention.) It’s both flattering and mind-boggling to sit back and realize that there are, in fact, real human beings out there who want to see what is really behind the curtain. Everybody tries so hard to put on this façade. We live in a society where people are constantly talking about being real and honest and finding the truth blah blah blah – but how can we do that when we’re all simultaneously in competition to see who gives less of a fuck? How is it that more people don’t see the hypocrisy in our behavior? Is all of this savoir-faire just the result of fear? Can the end all cause really be that simple? Figure it out, humanity.
The word “vulnerability” often implies weakness. A sitting duck. It’s what happens when we let down our guard, but it’s necessary to build trust. Nobody wants to be vulnerable because nobody wants to get hurt. Nobody wants to be exposed. Nobody wants to be judged. It’s an easy enough concept to understand, but it explains a lot about how we interact with one another and why people do the things they do. Pardon my generality. Most people are too busy playing hard to get because we live in a world where – more often than not – when you show your cards, you lose. Mystery is somehow more desirable than truth. Why? Because you know that the truth can be painful, but the unknown leaves endless possibilities. There’s more security in mystery, or so it would seem. Most people, myself included, are often too afraid to take the risk to see if the truth is actually what they had hoped for. We prepare for the worst.
I was late to this game. To be honest, I’m not sure if I ever even really started playing. I don’t have much of a poker face. I don’t even play poker, you guys. You win again, Lady Gaga. My vices could be comparable to a bully on the playground – full of insecurity and compensation. It’s really quite obvious if you think about it, but I won’t spell out the details of my iniquities for you. Everyone is insecure about something. Everyone. Whether it be the cellulite on their thighs or the gap in their teeth or something much deeper, nobody is completely proud of everything that they are. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I think many people try too hard to hide the fact that they’re so personally unsatisfied – all in an effort to conceal their vulnerability. Maybe we’d all be a little less insecure about our own “flaws” and “shortcomings” (not specifically of the penile nature, but if that applies to you, then go with it) if we knew other people felt the same way about themselves. Would any of that honesty about our insecurities help to diminish those fears of not being good enough? Isn’t that the least we all want to be – enough?
Okay, maybe you’re one of those assholes out there who is thinking “um, I couldn’t possibly give a single shit about any given individual’s vulnerability” and to that I say, why are you still reading this, my friend? Some curiosity must have brought you here. Maybe you’re now beginning to question your own vulnerability and whether this whole soulless, inconsiderate vibe you’re sending out is just overcompensation for your self-hatred. Maybe it’s all a cry for help. Maybe you know that you really need to do some self-reevaluation and reflection. Maybe I watched Wanderlust a few too many times this weekend. Maybe I should just go fuck myself.
I should also probably note that I’m discussing emotional vulnerability here. Don’t go walking around the ghetto unarmed and wave around your Rolex. There’s a difference between vulnerability and stupidity.
I was surprised by the fact that a guy brought up his interest in my vulnerability, because I’ve also always assumed that “discussing insecurities” is a major turn off for most dudes. Don’t most people like a certain amount of confidence? Maybe you just have to be confident in your vulnerability? If you take a look at many musicians, it’s often their most vulnerable songs that receive the most success. Is it simply honesty we all seek? How true is this?
Emotional vulnerability is only weak if you refuse to own it. Willingness to be vulnerable should be seen as something brave. It’s undeniably risky. I began writing this post before the Sandy Hook massacre and since then, I feel like saying all of this is even more important. There isn’t enough time in the world to hide your feelings constantly. There isn’t enough time to be afraid of not being good enough. Sometimes it’s okay to be vulnerable and exposed and judged because that’s part of being human.
Am I super deep now? Does this make me super philosophical? So deep, bruh. So deep.
Does any of this even make any sense!?