First World Problems: iCool

4s & 7 iphones ago…

 Story time: For years, I was a Blackberry girl. As much as I wanted to join the iPhone crowd, I wasn’t ready to divorce BBM and attempt to use a touch screen only phone with my obese fingers. (Seriously, I have funny looking hands. And my palms are huge. Why, God?) Eventually, I grew tired of being unpopular. I was missing out on  time-waisters super fun apps like Words With Friends and Angry Birds and ones that make you bald and fat and have cat ears and, obviously, Instagram.

About a year ago, I decided that I needed to cross over to the other side immediately – but with 6 months until my next upgrade and a virtually empty bank account, I could only see one viable option: my mother’s iPhone 3G.

Pretty much.

Ordinarily, I would have stolen borrowed my brother’s upgrade, but noooo, he had to have the 4s too. And so did my dad. Narcissism runs in the fam. The 3G was really the only hope I had to join the rest of society. However, little did I know just how antique the 3G actually was. Not only was it unable to upgrade operating systems – there wasn’t even a flash. No flash = no muploads = upopular. Fucking duh. Night after night for the past 10 months, I was forced to #reinsta or leave my nights undocumented, but I suppose that gave me a few more ounces of mystery? Maybe? No? Ok.

In July, my upgrade became available and I wrestled with my patience. Should I ditch the dinosaur phone and just get the 4s or do I stick it out with my 3G just a little bit longer? It was torture. Meanwhile, I was suffering through constant ridicule from bitches dear friends about the digital brick I was carrying around. I knew I needed to endure a few more months of criticism and outdated technology in order to get the latest Apple wonder.

Giveth me thy upgrade, bitch. (Gen 3:4-7)

Along came September, and the 5 was revealed to the world. I’ve probably never needed anything more, with the exception of  constant attention, billions of dollars, psychiatric drugs, rhinoplasty, my friends and family. You can imagine my immense impatience upon discovering that it wouldn’t deliver for a full month. Again, why God? As if dealing with my haters and my shitty antique phone weren’t bad enough, I had to wait a month knowing that MY PHONE was somewhere out there waiting to be given a loving home, just like an Ethiopian orphan. (Which kind of makes sense because I ordered a black one. Maybe I’ll name it Zahara? Mama loves you, xo Angie.)

Oh don’t get your P.C. panties in a bunch. My black friends said it was funny.

On the night of October 10th, we were finally united. Sauts and phone. Mother and child. Lioness and cub. I felt like a kid on Christmas as I jumped up and down with excitement in the Gardena UPS shipment center. (I like to entertain the masses.) I was suddenly exposed to LTE technology, an array of new emoticons, a flash, a recent operating system, Siri, and a whole new world I only could have dreamed of. Gone are the dark ages of my recent past.

Super bitchin’, God. Thanks for asking!

I’m literally about to pee myself over how awesome this is. It’s faster & easier than a fat sorority girl at an invite. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose that because I was forced to wait with my vintage model, I now have a greater appreciation for this precious little Ethiopian orphan device. People keep complaining about Apple Maps, but Siri took me on some sweet shortcuts this morning to get me to work in record time. I was all, boom mothafuckas have fun in traffic I’m outta hurr, even though her directions were slightly sketch last night. Homegirl takes care of things. I’m Meryl Streep and Siri is Anne Hathaway – except she refuses to call me “m’lady” à la Downton Abbey and instead is calling me “Melody.” This is a super cunty move on her part, so I guess she’s actually Emily Blunt. Well played, ya bitch. Other than that, the iphone 5 is the poo – so take a big whiff.

Prepare for a plethora of selfies & excessive emoticon usage.

Face time me! xoxo

(Sorry for all the swearing, Grandma. Don’t hate.)


3 thoughts on “First World Problems: iCool

  1. Pingback: There’s No Porn Here! « Sautterdays

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