Are Ya Kitten Me Right Meow?

Prrrrretty wasted right meow…

I’m not sure who society seems to dislike more: cats or cat lovers.

As a disclaimer, I feel that I should just note that I am not saying cats are necessarily better than dogs – so all the dog fanatics out there can cool it on the haterade. I don’t want to give anyone a stroke. Unless you give me a reason to give you a stroke.

I can haz high five?

Cats just have a bad rap. Please allow me to rant: I find it absurd that people often tend to generalize the entire felis catus species as if they’re all the exact same creature. Do you like all of the humans you meet? I’m going to assume that you, like me, do not. I don’t like all of the dogs I meet either because, like humans, I tend to judge creatures on an individual basis. Except rats. Fuck rats. I judge cats the same way as I would an individual human or dog. Some rock; some don’t. I’m convinced it’s those creepy, gross, fluffy cats with the weird eyes who make the weird noises that are screwing shit up for all of the other felines out there. The ones that move like cat robots and always sound like they’re dying. You know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t, well, they exist.

I’ve found that many people have an issue with the stereotypical cat. They’re often thought of as “selfish” and “mean” and “lazy” blah, blah, blah. Meowever, I will courageously admit that I am a cat lover – a catvocate, if you will – and I’m going to give you 5 reasons why:

1. They’re independent. Cats are only going to bother you if they legitimately need something, like food, so they can, like, not die. There’s no need to walk them, no need to engage them, and best of all – you can leave them home alone for days with a supply of food and they’ll be good to go. This is the #1 reason I love them because, let’s face it, I’m not nearly responsible enough to take care of anything that is dependent upon me.

Hakuna Matata, bitches

2. Hygiene. One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that, overall, cats smell considerably better than dogs and most other pets. Don’t even try to argue with me on this one. This is probably because they’re constantly grooming themselves. Yeah, it’s weird to look at. Don’t look at it. But, hey, they’re self-sufficient animals.

3. The Cat Family. Ever heard of Simba, bitches? King of the Jungle, the plain, Pride Rock, whatever. The felidae family contains some of the most awesome species to walk the earth. Lions, tigers, panthers, jaguars, leopards, cougars, cheetahs, lynxes, and ocelots are some pretty wondrous relatives to have. The first person to buy me an ocelot wins my undying love and affection.

4. They’re Sacred… in ancient Egypt. The ancient Egyptians worshipped cats. Worshipped. Like, they were literally considered holy creatures. I should be considered a holy creature. According to really legitimate sources, cats in ancient Egyptian society were referred to as mau and were not only praised for their “ability to kill snakes such as cobras,” but became symbols for “grace and poise.” As someone who is weirdly obsessed with ancient western civilizations, this makes me like cats 100x more. Mafdet and Bast are my homegirls.

5. They’re Sexy & Cute. I’m not talking about bestiality here you sickos. I’m talking about Catwoman, Josie & the Pussycats, Pussy Galore, and all of the sexy kitten Halloween costumes. Like, hello, they’re called sex kittens. That’s sexy. Prrr. Meow. Oh baby.

Many people except for Steve Carell in Crazy Stupid Love say that nothing can be sexy and cute, but cats are clearly the exception. They’re likeOMFGsoooocyuuute. Give me a kitty right now. I want one now. At this very moment. Give me  this one:

I once heard a comedian compare the stereotypes of cats and dogs to those of men and women. She made an excellent point, saying that everyone parallels cats to women and dogs to men, when in fact it is the opposite way around. Think about it, women (typically) need constant attention, affection, and reassurance. They always want you to do something with them even if you think it’s stupid. They get sooo excited to see their significant others. It’s doglike. Men, on the other hand, don’t give a shit – and that is what makes them like cats. This comedian was a genius. I wish I could remember her name right meow.

So, all the cat haters out there can give them a break. Give me a break, since I’ll probably end up an old cat lady anyway. I The cats don’t care if you don’t like them, because they know think they’re superior to you and their servants owners anyway.


One thought on “Are Ya Kitten Me Right Meow?

  1. Why is it always the ex-girlfriend’s cat that conjures up a deep dislike for felines? Like mine, who kept the litter pan in the kitchen of all places. I’ll let your imagination take over from here…

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