I just discovered the most wonderful news of
all time the past hour – Raiders of the Lost Ark aka the first installment of the Indiana Jones collection, will be returning to cinemas in September. Fully restored. In IMAX. I could pee myself. The only catch is that it will only be playing for one week and I personally think that is really fucking stupid. Like, these movie execs must be confused… I don’t understand why we have to put up with garbage like Piranha 4D and anything related to Tyler Perry, yet this classic film is only being rereleased for a mere 7 days. Why. Why. Why. But, seriously.
Unfortunately, I’ve found that very few of my female peers share my infatuation for Dr. Jones. To me, that seems almost blasphemous. If you didn’t grow up watching films like Indiana Jones or Star Wars, it’s like growing up in California without ever having been to Disneyland – I have to question the validity of your entire childhood. It’s like, next you’ll be telling me you’ve never heard of 90’s Nickelodeon staples such as Salute Your Shorts and The Legends of The Hidden Temple.
True Story: When I was about 4 or 5 years old, I was in the car with my mom and I was still young enough where I didn’t quite grasp the concept of “age.” Okay I realize that sounds really dumb (I was actually a really smart kid you guys, I swear), but many children don’t understand that when they age, adults continue to age as well. It’s common to assume that all of the adults in your life are going to stay that way forever, because you’re 4 fucking years old – the age of 12 is an eternity away. Long story short, I’m a little nugget in the car with my mom and declare that when I grow up I am going to marry Harrison Ford. He was, after all, both Indiana Jones and Han Solo. My mother began to laugh and continued to inform me that my beloved Harrison Ford was only TWO YEARS younger than my GRANDMA and by the time I was an adult, he would be a very old man… I cried. I literally sat there in that stupid 90’s minivan and cried. I was never going to be Mrs. Solo-Jones-Ford. I consider that my first heartbreak.
I can’t count how many times I’ve seen each film. One summer, I swear my brother and I watched each one at least 5 times. We would reenact the memorable scenes – like in The Temple of Doom when the guy’s heart gets ripped out. Come to think of it, we still reenact the memorable scenes… My family is weird. So, in case anyone had any doubts as to exactly how near and dear to my heart the Indiana Jones series is, now you know.
The film is being rereleased on September 7, so who wants to take me? Line starts here, fellas. #helpmeimpoor